I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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