do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
