So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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