Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
