My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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