Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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