I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
