I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
please come you make the beer taste better
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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