Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
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Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
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I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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