I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
