You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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