i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
