We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
