I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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