Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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