I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
