woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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