My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
