weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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