Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
