I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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