i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
