i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
