i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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