I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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