All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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