Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
