There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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