I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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