guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
