I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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