That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
