my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
