Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
