I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
