i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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