I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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