Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize