she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
