We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
