can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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