Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
