I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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