All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
