Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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