When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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