the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
