Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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