Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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