he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
