i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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