i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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