Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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