I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
