In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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